Affirmation, do I need it?

Affirmation:
to offer (someone) emotional support or encouragement.

To a certain degree, we all crave and desire affirmation–some of us more than others.

When you are in a state where you feel like you want affirmation for something you have done, or are in the process of doing, or are even considering doing, and you do not get it, it really can sting.

What is this piercing pain, and where does it come from? It’s likely linked to a whole host of things: feeling unsupported, misunderstood, devalued, foolish, immature, etc. And while these feelings are real, are they actually true?

What do I mean by that? To clarify I’ll use an example:
Let’s say as a child you had a bad experience on a rollercoaster and ever since the event you’ve said no to any opportunity to ride again. Whether or not you should choose to ride again is beside the point, the event left you with a seemingly permanent posture of ‘roller coasters scare (fill in the blank) me thus, they are bad/wrong for me.’

Your experience of riding a rollercoaster and having had a bad experience is REAL, but to say riding rollercoasters is wrong/bad for you is NOT TRUE.

If we let too many past experiences dictate our outlook of the future and thus, our behavior, more than anything we are living with limiting beliefs about ourselves, and our ability to experience life in new/redeeming ways. When we fall prey to this trap, at the core, fear and or hurt are what we give our authority to.

No one would happily say they’re content to give into fear or hurt in their lives, so why do we do it, or more precisely, do we have a choice in the matter?

With as much passion as possible, I would like to yell, shout, affirm, that YES we DO have the choice, but it requires acknowledging the thing we’ve been fearful/afraid of and consequently, probably for a period, experience the pain that comes with growth.

In my humanness, I would like to assert that sometimes I don’t want to feel the pain of growth, feel uncomfortable, feel isolated/lonely in my experiences, or unsupported. Isn’t it possible to grow and feel good simultaneously? Yes, but it’s not always the case (I have to say to myself).

For the time being, if we can see that fear/hurt can affect us in profound ways, that they are more than just real, then we can say they are a type of actor in our lives. By default it seems we allow them to shape us negatively, but what if we could begin to see them as teachers?

This sounds like some sort of Buddhist philosophical insight now, which I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but what if these emotions in our lives are meant to be mirrors for us, pointing at our opportunities for growth?

How can we interact with this mirroring?
1) Acknowledging what we have been hurt by or fear,
2) Taking responsibility in the matter.

Strictly speaking, this responsibility comes in the form of asking ourselves, ‘why and how have I allowed this pain/hurt to control me/have authority over me in my life’?

3), ‘by having these emotions in the driver’s seat, are they serving or stopping my growth in life?’

Once you’ve answered these questions honestly, hopefully, you will see that more often than not, emotions like fear and hurt are not meant to be truth speaking leaders in our lives, but rather question asking teachers who say, ‘Are you paying attention?’

I get that this sucks, but come on, if our live’s are not being fully lived out because of paralysis by fear/hurt, ask yourself this:
what experiences/opportunities are you missing out on,
and, by limiting your growth, are your actions stalling the growth of the people you love?

Remember, you are an influence in this world.

Take a stand for your life, for the lives of those whom you love, affirm your personal growth, look for lessons in shitty experiences, and give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you need to, but do not let it stop there.

We should not depend on the affirmations of others. It’s in our best interest to grow beyond the limiting beliefs others may have about us or those we’ve placed on ourselves.

Today, acknowledge what you wish or have felt the need for affirmation over, release yourself from it, and take personal responsibility for your dreams, aspirations, hopes, and visions–you see them more clearly than anyone else.

If you’re having insights, have questions, and or like what’s been said here, please comment and share. I’m more than happy to engage here.

Here’s a small list of books for our journey:

What Could I Possibly Say…

… for you to truly hear me? What words would you allow to affect you? How often do you give others space to teach you? Listen.

I love reading articles/posts that others write where more often than not, what they say comes in the form of questions versus answers. The reason being, I want to think for myself.

But here’s the catch, you can only be so wise, know so much, and be as good as you are right where you are, right now, period. So should, ‘thinking for one’s self’ be so highly rated? Hold that thought. But here, yet another question: Are you in the headspace to receive?

You may think you’re always in the headspace to receive, to hear, to learn, to ‘change.’ And while that may be true, consider this.

You know those moments when you hear something you’ve heard a hundred times before but for some reason, it just really seems to click this time, or it finally has a profound effect on you?

When you encounter a similar moment, you are truly in a headspace to receive. I have the exact same question as you though, ‘but how do I get that part of me to listen, especially when it seems I don’t have control over my, ‘aha’ moments’?

To that question, I have no answer–wan-wan, sorry. (wink) However, as I think about it, I realize that in a very big way, you or I were able to hear it because we were silent. Think about it.

Being quiet and listening is an underdeveloped skill, especially in the Americas it seems. People, including myself, are often at fault for not actually listening but rather, freak out in our minds while staring silently into the eyes of whoever holds the ‘talking stick.’ Finally, once it’s our turn, we grab the stick, forget most of what he or she said, and proclaim our profound insights or wisdom.

Whoever believes he or she is always right wears wrong’s pretty white mask.

Harsh, but true. Life is too complex to have one perspective that holds universal and timeless truth. That’s not to say that each person’s perspective has no validity, but there is wisdom in taking check of who’s in front of you.

I heard two wise men once say:

“While I have your attention for this short while we want to ask for one favour: take your opinions on the matter we’re about to speak, and leave them at the door. For you to listen and hear us, you have to stop the, ‘I don’t believe x, y, z, and they’re wrong, and I’m right’ kind of chatter that goes on in the mind. Decide only after we speak whether or not you want to hold our opinions. Trust us, the ones you left at the door haven’t gone anywhere, they’re ready for you to pick up and carry on with when we’re done.”

These words have stayed with me. While I am nowhere near perfecting this posture, it has been a great teacher for me, and one that I’ve shared with friends.

Perhaps the answer to, or at least for today, ‘what could I possibly say that would change your life for the better,’ is to listen truly and focus fully on the person speaking to us. Last, do our best not to be right, but to be open to and listen for the unpredictable profundities from others.

Shhhh… can you hear them?

If you’re having insights, have questions, and or like what’s been said here, please comment and share. I’m more than happy to engage here.

How do I Shut this ‘Thing’ Up?

“The key is to keep company only with [voices] who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” But what about the not so uplifting voice in my head?

In the last post, I talked about identifying the voice in our head as something ‘other’ than ourselves. The noise we hear is not a demon or evil force in the world, but rather, it is sound. That is, you are a witness to something that is not ‘truth’ or absolute. ‘But surely,’ you might say, ‘this ‘thing’ does communicate to me and at me.” How about, for now at least, we imagine this sound to be a real speaking ‘thing’–classic personification.

It sits. It speaks. It screams. It throws tantrums. It scares. It paralyzes. It, this thing, has human-like behavior. So, as a result, let’s ask ‘it’ questions. Why don’t we start with:

1) Not who, but what are you? Are you past, current, or future fear, anger? etc.

2) How are you feeling? Are you angry, envious, oppressed, scared? etc.

3) Have you always felt this way?

4) Because I only have control over myself, what is it that you want from me, not anyone else?

5) If I give you what you’re freaking out about, what will you do, and do for me?

6) Can I trust you?

7) Now that I have acknowledged you, in the future, can you help me rather than fight me?

8) If I commit to paying attention to you, stopping and listening to you when you ‘speak’, and ask you questions similar to these, will you cooperate with me?

9) Can we be a team?

10) In what ways can you serve me?

Now, you might be thinking or even saying to yourself, ‘good lord, this guy’s lost his shit.’ And granted, I admit, I am nowhere near perfect. Yet, that being said, being human, we experience this ‘thing’s’ annoying and often distracting presence the EXACT same way.

You might also be wondering, ‘isn’t the ‘sound’ in my head my intuition?’ While no one can say for certain, I would wager to so no and here’s why. The sound that chatters all day and sometimes, all night long, is too reactive to be our intuition. This definition proves little to nothing but for context, by definition, intuition is associated with understanding or being instinctually in-tune without reasoning, and from the Latin, intueri–means to consider.

The ‘sound’ in our heads rarely considers anything, more often than not, it judges us as well as others. I’m painting this ‘thing’ in a pretty negative light but for many of us, it attacks, judges, ridicules, and or makes people, including ourselves, wrong.

Given this outlook, what hope or resolve can we have with this ‘thing?’ One of the most important questions we can ask now that we’ve gone down this road is, ‘what is the objective in the matter?’ Progress. We ask ourselves these seemingly silly questions so that we can grow, don’t we? I do.

Perhaps initially we can acknowledge the ‘thing’ as an imperfect honing tool, one that’s irritating, is cumbersome, and often annoying to work with, but is fundamentally the object that needs to be used to complete the job. ‘What job,’ you might ask. The task we all have or at least should aim to master is to, ‘know thyself.’

The phrase is not limited to life’s epic and influential milestones, the one’s where we learn so much about who we are, but maybe most importantly, it’s radically profound when applied to the lonely moments of life when it’s just you and the ‘thing’ in your head.

It’s not about shutting the ‘thing’ up, it’s about shaking it’s metaphorical hand and saying, ‘we need to have a chat.’

Quote by Epictetus.

If you’re having insights, have questions, and or like what’s been said here, please comment and share. I’m more than happy to engage here.

Breaking Down Your Walls

What’s Yours?

What walls do you have up in your life? Are you aware of them, have you been trying to knock them down? For me, currently, a wall I need to keep working on knocking down is FEAR. Comment below with what your current walls are that need knocking down or the ones you have been trying to knock down.

To watch more of my videos, check them out on my video channel. 


If you’re having insights, have questions, and or like what’s been said here, please comment and share. I’m more than happy to engage here.

Being the Witness to Our Own Chatter

“There is nothing more important for true growth than realizing you are not the voice [in your head]—you are the one who hears it.” For a moment, ask yourself a small question, “Why do you want ‘true growth’”? Think about this for a second or two. When I think about it, some quick answers I have are: to be better; to be smarter; to be enriched; to be … to be something other than me.

How do the answers you come up with make you feel? For me, as I sit here plinking away on my computer I pause and think, ‘kinda shitty.’ But why? Why is it shitty for me to wish for ‘true’ growth? I imagine it has less to do with the objective, (to have true growth) and more to do with the path we choose (the ‘how’ of getting there).

I like the notion that you or I are not the chattering voice in our heads, but rather, we are the witness to the loudmouths. The reason I feel comfortable with this idea is that it’s a path to knowing ourselves in a way that is not judgmental of who we are, but critical of the voice that inhabits our mind.

As I read the first few pages of, “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer,  I quickly became introspective. The voice in my head was trying to make sense of what I was reading, seeing if I could apply it to my life, and then to ask if it was worthy of believing or accepting. What’s interesting about this process is Singer names it by saying, “…what you’ll see if you study [the voice in your head] carefully, is that the narration makes you feel more comfortable with the world around you … it makes you feel as though things are more in your control”.

Ah yes, the old, ‘you’re trying to control that which is outside of your control’ phrase. Damn it!! I can’t seem to slip, hide, or dodge this in my life. Why are we, and I say ‘we’ because I sure as hell know it’s not just me, such control junkies? If I had to guess, I would say we as human beings have an intrinsic awareness of our potential as well as our finiteness. That is, people are trying to live well while simultaneously avoiding threats. If we can entertain this for a minute, I would then go farther to bet that most people are more than half asleep at the metaphorical wheel of life.

What does that mean? If the wheel of life can represent our life’s opportunity for fullness, greatness, energy, and vitality because we are preoccupied with control, in part, we are asleep to what is and are awake to what isn’t (chatter). In many ways, the mind that serves and lives to hear its own voice is more or less confused by the seemingly dull voice of life. Here, where we are asleep. The voice in our heads not only never shuts-up, but many of us have given it too much authority. That is, many of us believe, trust, and bet on what it communicates to us.

But, if Singer is right, that we are not the voice in our minds but rather, we are the witness to it, who is speaking? While I have yet to discover the ‘answer,’ I would wager to say that the voice we give so much authority to is made up of our past experiences, but it’s perspective stems from avoiding threats, whether genuine or imagined.

To avoid a genuine threat, like being mauled by a bear in a forest, is completely biologically sound. However, if we allow the voice in our heads to concoct a seemingly real scenario of a bear attacking us, and we allow it to inform our decisions, we are not being guided by ourselves but from the strong, vigilant, and omnipresent voice of fear.

Is it possible that the chatter in our minds, the voice that has so much authority in our lives, is actually fear? Because fear is a concept rather than an object, can we imagine fear being like a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, that fear is one character with two versions of itself? At one moment fear could be making small talk with us, reminding us of stuff, taking a look around, and then in the next moment, when there is a perceived threat, it gets super loud and out of control. This chaos makes us act a certain way because we assume that whatever the voice is saying must be true.

If we imagine fear this way, it almost seems as if the voice of fear within us does have a purpose, but one way too overactive. Maybe in prehistoric times, this voice would have served people better, but today, it seems we would all do well with a little less chatter and a good few steps towards true growth. But how do we do this?

I think a good first step is to realize that there is a voice speaking within the mind, that it has and does influence us, and that we are not the voice but rather, we are a witness to it. This observation can be good news because, in ways, it’s a place of birth and a process of self-actualization that’s critical for our best selves to thrive.

All Quotes from Michael A. Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul. California: USA. 2007, p. 10-11.

If you’re having insights, have questions, and or like what’s been said here, please comment and share. I’m more than happy to engage here.